everyone and their mom is getting married

and it's all happening this summer. seriously. if you know me well, you probably know im not on board with marriage/babies/all the things you're 'supposed' to be doing as you're getting older. thinking about doing those things makes me a little nauseous. i am, however, genuinely happy to see my friends doing something that makes them happy, and i do want to celebrate this life changing decision with them. i just have a few requests.

first of all, i want to come to the wedding nude. or in pajamas. finding an 'appropriate' dress is asking too much. you know..not to flashy, not to casual, not too short. geez. and then not only do you want me to find a dress (when i hate shopping), you also want me to wear it. all day. in the hot sun. and then dance in it all night. clothes were not meant to stay on my body for that long. and if you are going to ask me to wear a wedding 'appropriate' dress, please understand that i will be compensating for all of this 'appropriateness' by getting super high heels. yes, i will be wearing stripper heels to your wedding. prepare yourself.

please tell me where you're registered. about 25 times. and i will wait till the last minute to buy your gift. sorry. i love you, but im a slacker. and im busy. my time was probably sucked away by the dress buying situation. so please don't be mad if my gift to you is a couple of spoons, a ladle, and a blender. enjoy.

don't expect me to try to catch the bouquet. i don't want to be anywhere near the bouquet. i will be sitting on the other side of the room, with a drink in my hand, snapping picture of your other friends looking like fools.

stop having classy bachelorette parties! bachelorette parties are not for tea. they are for beer, fake veils, doing silly things, and eating 'penis hummus'.

so seriously, people. i really don't think these things are unreasonable. all im asking for is a little nudity, some alcohol, some general debauchery. throwing in a slip 'n slide wouldn't hurt either.