overdose

someday, someday i will be able to bake for a living. cakes and cookies, and little tarts, and people will want me to make their birthday cakes, and i'll spend my time sifting and mixing and piping all day. someday, i won't have to be a director at wellmet to supplement my income. someday, i won't be woken up at 1am to find someone trying to kill themselves.

no joke. not that suicide is something to ever joke about.

after the events of last night/early this morning i am left with a jumble of emotions. on the one hand, i really believe in this program. i believe in the power of the positive support we can offer, and the benefits that community based living can do for someone. i've seen it work. i've seen people leave in a healthier state of mind. i've seen them stable and living a 'normal life'. but sometimes i wonder how much we're actually doing. do people ever 'recover' from mental illness? or are they just floating through life, knowing that another snap is going to eventually come. i am saddened and jaded by this thought, and can't imagine what it must be like to be someone who is so consumed by their pain that they think the only way to rise out of it is in death.

i'm also pissed. i'm angry that this person never came to me, or anyone else for help. i'm hurt that he didnt trust us enough to help him. i'm angry that he was so selfish and thought his problems were the center of the universe. you want problems? take a little trip down to children's hospital and spend some time on the cancer unit. watch little babies get sliced open, and tubes stuffed down their throats only to die in their parents arms. your problems can't possibly be that big. you have a life, you can breath, you can run and scream, and be free, and do anything you want. for whatever reason, you were given a LIFE. why would you waste it??

i feel guilty that we didnt see it coming.

i also feel thankful. im thankful he was found in time. i'm thankful that another resident heard him making noise and woke up the staff. im thankful she wasn't a heavier sleeper, because if she hadn't heard him, i fear i would have been doing my rounds in the morning and found him dead. mostly im thankful that i don't know what it's like to feel his kind of pain.

sometimes tragedy makes me want to go out and save the world. but today i just wanna bake some muffins. cuddle my sweet bella. walk in the rain. laugh with my friends. love.