food for thought

food. it's funny how one word can call up such a jumble of emotions.

for me, it's a source for inspiration, a creative outlet, a way to release stress, a way to exercise my anal tendencies, and the fulfillment of a lifelong, though somewhat sometimes hidden dream.

but it wasn't always that way.

growing up, i was never skinny. i wasn't fat either, that is, unless you asked my mother. she thought otherwise. and told me so, pretty much every day, until finally, for a number of reasons, i ended contact with her.

i truly believe you have to find happiness within yourself, and you should never let someone else control how you feel about anything, especially about yourself. but damn it, sometimes someone else's words can really rip you apart. i feared food for a while, bouncing around trying different fad diets, then eating whatever i wanted, then eating super healthy.eventually i've learned to love food again, this time in a healthy manner. it took me a long time, time away from my mother, time with some amazing friends, time drinking, time moving across the country, but im finally content with myself, my body, eating, food. sure, i'm not perfect (who is, really?), and i could be in better shape, or eat healthier, but so what? im at a place where i am actually comfortable in my own skin. i love to be naked. but, that it is a story for another time.

i also realize that i'm one of the lucky ones. i know life is a gift, and i don't intend on wasting in any way. but everyday i see girls around me, miserable with how they look, what they weigh, what they ate, when they're going to the gym, etc. i lived with a girl who would eat everything in the house, and when that was gone, she would eat butter sticks. and then puke them. millions of people are starving to death, and she was eating and puking. it's so sad. i wish i knew how to make people see how beautiful they already are, and how they're missing out on so many amazing things in life.

how do we change this misconception of food? and beauty? when, and why, did we turn something amazing into something ugly? i dont really know what my point is here, i guess i just wish i knew the way to change people's thoughts/feelings on this issue. but im not sure it's something that even can be changed.

maybe it would be easier if we all lived bella's life. a bite of a burger is orgasmic for her. then she rolls over for a belly rub, licks her butt, and falls asleep. pure heaven.